Assertive Communication

• Assertive communication means to be able to express your opinion freely and without hesitating about what others might think. It is a particular mode of communication in the form of behavior characterized by a confident affirmation or declaration of a statement or a point of view of a person without being aggressive in any way.
• People who are assertive should not be confused with people who are aggressive because assertiveness means to be firm about what you think and to say it without harming or hurting the other person’s personal opinion however those of the aggressive type are liable to harm others while talking about their opinion and do not respect the other person’s opinion.

Why is Assertiveness important?

• Assertive communication is important for a lot of reasons the main reason being to allow free and fair communication.
• If an individual doesn’t get a chance to say what he or she feels truly and if he is she is not confident enough to voice their opinion then the topic of discussion is a waste as the opinions of the people are not honestly displayed and this is not fair.
• Assertiveness is also important because if a person is not assertive them his/her mental balance is disturbed and he/she is a victim to the following outcomes i.e.

Depression — Anger turned inward, a sense of being helpless, hopeless, or of having no control over your life.(e.g., when we feel that we tried every possible way to pass a particular exam we studied everything but still end up performing poorly)

Resentment — Anger at others for manipulating or taking advantage of you. (e.g., when a friend asks for a favor and we happily do it however when we need a favor he or she comes up with an excuse this makes us feel used and exploited)

Frustration — Why did I allow that to happen? (When we feel and hold ourselves responsible for a problem like when one father sends a daughter away to study and in order to pamper her he spoils her by buying a car and she ends up in an accident due to drunk driving, the father would be sad and hold himself responsible)

Temper/violence — If you can’t express anger appropriately, it may build up.( this happens when u cant voice your opinion and you feel nobody understands you , one feels like throwing  tantrums and being violent this is one of the ugliest forms of human behavior.)

In order to avoid all these assertiveness in a being is important so that he or she can make decisions properly and can voice their opinion and can maintain an inner balance however being assertive does not completely eliminate all of these outcomes like temper, frustration etc however reduces their possibility.

Hence assertiveness is very important for good communication amongst individuals in all aspects of life.

How can you test your assertiveness?

Asking questions to oneself is the best way to judge if one s being assertive or not and if he/she is following what his / her mind says but still in any case nowadays various tests have been developed which are both objective and subjective which can test whether a person is assertive or not and help them improvise their behavior. For example

Using the following scale, score yourself on how you usually react to a particular situation, or your usual attitude.

0 = Almost always

1 = Usually

2 = Sometimes

3 = Seldom

4 = rarely or never

 

_____ 1. Do you ignore it when someone pushes in front of you in line?

_____ 2. Do you raise your voice when you’re trying to make a point in a conversation?

_____ 3. Do you find it difficult to accept compliments from your boss?

_____ 4. Do people think you have a temper?

_____ 5. Do you find it difficult to ask a friend to do you a favor?

_____ 6. When someone criticizes you, do you find something about him to criticize?

_____ 7. Do you keep your opinions to yourself when talking to people whom you do not know very well?

_____ 8. Are people afraid of you?

_____ 9. If you are angry with someone, is it difficult for you to tell her?

_____ 10. Are you sarcastic with people?

_____ 11. Do you find it difficult to refuse people’s requests?

_____ 12. Do you think up smart remarks and quick comebacks to put other people down or on the defensive?

_____ 13. Do you let other people make decisions about where to go and what to do?

_____ 14. If someone disagrees with you, do you strongly dispute his viewpoint?

_____ 15. Do you tend to drag out apologies?

_____ 16. Are you pretty sure you are right?

_____ 17. Is it hard for you to express your negative feelings to others?

_____ 18. Do you tend to be judgmental?

 

Scoring:

Score the odd-numbered questions separately from the even-numbered questions. A low score (under 10) on the even-numbered questions indicates that you generally are aggressive. Aggressiveness can be detrimental to communication

A high score (higher than 25) on the odd-numbered questions indicates that you usually are able to assert yourself.

Assertiveness at work

Why is assertiveness is  so important at work , Firstly it helps to communicate , secondly it helps to maintain healthy competition , thirdly it avoids cold shoulders and clod looks in the office from other colleagues  in the office and lastly it promotes transparency and not office politics .

Positive Assertiveness

Being assertive at work is also a good way to get noticed. (If it’s your first day no one likes a timid worker good energy and confidence of talking is a plus point.)

Ideally, your assertiveness leads to positive relationships and benefits for your company. You can assert yourself into leadership roles and increased responsibility by stepping up when opportunities arise. Being assertive also allows you to have an influential voice in the direction of your department, division or organization.

When others are reluctant to make tough decisions or take on challenging tasks, your assertiveness in areas where you have confidence and experience can help the company and improve your standing.

However assertiveness at work is very subjective to the environment sometimes also if there is a lot of work pressure and one is constantly assertive it can be mistaken as being stubborn and may not fare well   for the person in future.

Also one more thing to understand is despite people being of a certain character type I.e. introvert or extrovert for that matter may not end up being assertive at all at their workplace because they think it might have a negative impact. Some employees avoid assertiveness because they fear negative results of stepping up.

However, evading responsibility or interactions with others is sometimes more detrimental. Some people avoid conflict in relationships by not asserting their opinions or feelings. Unfortunately, this leads to stress because you sacrifice your own interests and desires too often. This again creates an imbalance and this condition cannot be resisted for long.  Supervisors appreciate employees who are good decision makers because it allows them the freedom to focus on coaching and other aspects of their jobs.

What should you do when you are confronted with a problem?

One of the most common problems in communication is caused by trying to read people’s minds or expecting them to read yours. If you want people to respond to your ideas and needs, you have to be able to say what they are, and say it in a way that will make others want to respond appropriately, hence one needs to confront his/her own problems and when confronted with certain problems also needs to deal with it in an effective manner without losing their own calm.

Before you decide to act assertively in a given situation, you have to decide if you can live with the consequences. Although assertive behavior usually will result in a positive response, some people might react negatively to it.

If you’re planning to try assertive behavior, remember that the other person is used to your behaving in a certain way, and may be confused when you change your communication style. Why not tell the other person up front what you’re trying to do?  This would help you and the other person to drop down any remaining communication barriers however 100 percent communication is a myth.

For example;

If you were supposed to make a report and submit it and it’s a team work now all the members of your team have done their bit except for one of them and u feel the need to tell him to work, however none of the other group members are willing to approach him then what would u do? Someone has to be the leader and take charge right, so you go ahead and confront him and you get the work done not only will u be happy, you will notice your team members also  showing respect because u took the initiative of being assertive and solving the problem.

Dealing with conflicts;

What does one do when faced with a conflict; we are very good at giving advice to other people about being assertive, well that is just human nature but what happens when we ourselves are asked to voice our opinion?

For example; many children take up engineering especially in India instead of arts or fashion design simply because their parents want them too and they don’t enough have the courage to be assertive about deciding their career and hence they end up being extremely unhappy, suicidal and end up being drop outs . Instead if they had explained it to their parents it would have made things easier for them.

Everyone has their own way of dealing with conflicts some think it’s best to remain quite while others want to voice their opinion all the time the true art of being assertive lies in knowing when to be firm and when to be flexible.

Key techniques of Assertive Behavior:

Various methods of assertive behavior are;

The “broken record” technique consists of simply repeating your requests or your refusals every time you are met with resistance. The term comes from vinyl records, the surface of which when scratched would lead the needle of a record player to loop over the same few seconds of the recording indefinitely. “As with a broken record, the key to this approach is repetition … where your partner will not take no for an answer.”

A disadvantage with this technique is that when resistance continues, your requests may lose power every time you have to repeat them. If the requests are repeated too often, it can backfire on the authority of your words. In these cases, it is necessary to have some sanctions on hand.

Fogging consists of finding some limited truth to agree with in what an antagonist is saying. More specifically, one can agree in part or agree in principle.

Negative inquiry consists of requesting further, more specific criticism.

Negative assertion is agreement with criticism without letting up demand.

 

Use “I” statements. Keep the focus on the problem you’re having, not on accusing or blaming the other person. “I’d like to be able to tell my stories without interruption.” instead of “You’re always interrupting my stories!”

Use assertive body language. Face the other person, stand or sit straight, don’t use dismissive gestures, be sure you have a pleasant, but serious facial expression, keep your voice calm and soft, not whiney or abrasive.

Last but not the least

One of the most common problems in communication is caused by trying to read people’s minds or expecting them to read yours. If you want people to respond to your ideas and needs, you have to be able to say what they are, and say it in a way that will make others want to respond appropriately.

 

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